I hate this planet. I want to go home. But home is gone. I was lucky to be drawn in the SOA lottery. I forget what SOA stands for, but we called it Save Your Ass lotto, cuz the shuttle took us to Ninger-14A when Imperiaz aimed their super nukes at us. They weren’t kidding with those babies. Those damn things ripped righ through our planet and took out a good portion of Fierasubuta, bringing them and their 1,400 ally planets into the Inter-Galactic War.

We call it Iggy. Apparently, we started it. Commandant Susifruze was having a really bad day. By accident, she bumped the arm of the ShoCo shuttle’s robot too hard against the Triad’s mounting sensor when repairing it. This caused a ricochet, setting off a small missile. It wasn’t aimed, so it hit the nearby Floating Flo’s space diner, taking out 14 Hellyions’ deep space scooters. They had to be rescued. And they were pissed. They blamed all three planets of the Triad. The rescue ship destroyed the Triad Station. Waymarrons had rescued the Hellyions, so that was five planets involved originally. We know how this escalated. We watched planet after planet explode. Now we’re here, scrunched like robot butlers awaiting assignment.

Commandant Susifruze apologized repeatedly, but no one listened. It had already been set in motion. I’ve seen her on dozens of talk shows, crying. A commandant, crying, over a superstition. She always chewed Tangerine Scream gum before every mission. I’m here on Tullivaara Planet Morning to tell Commandant Susifruze what an honor it was to meet her the morning of her last mission at Soar’n’Soar convenience store. And I’m really, really sorry I chose that day to snag the last Tangerine Scream. I never buy it. I didn’t know.

Are those antique manacles?

Where are you taking me?